1) Melissa and I are visiting my parents. We wake up on a Saturday morning, and my Mom is doing our laundry. Melissa goes to take a shower and I find a bunch of car brochures underneath her pillow. My dad comes in and starts talking about how this guy he knew in the Air Force was separating after 18 years of service because he got some great job on the outside. The Phil Donohue Show is on the television.

1) I'm eating dinner in an outdoor restaurant with an LT from my squadron. My family is there, too, but they're sitting at a different table. Suddenly, the LT comes across the table and tries to kiss me, but I back away because my family is there. I go inside the nearest building and start watching the news.

1) I wake up one morning, and as I pass my back bedroom on the way to the bathroom, I see a bunch of people sleeping in there, and I don't know how or why they're there. So I go into the bathroom and close the door, and I'm really paranoid for some reason. I look out the key hole and I see them all get up and leave.

2) I have a twin and we're some kind of crime fighting team, but my twin is really lazy and I can never get him to go out and fight the bad guys.

1) I'm friends with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson, and Ben is dating this really hot Spanish girl, but she's cheating on him with Owen. So the three of us are driving around in this van trying to cheer up Ben. Then we stop by the girl's house, and sneak around the back side to spy on her, and she's with another guy, so now Owen and Ben are both upset. Then Ben pulls out a gun and aims it at her, so Owen and I are trying to pull him away. Then the girl and the guy she's with see us, and the guy comes out and shoots Ben, so Owen and I drag him back to the van and are trying to get him to the hospital.

2) I go into the bathroom (that looks like the bathroom of my house in Morganfield) to take a shower, and I pull back the shower curtain, and Brad is sitting in the bathtub reading a book. For some reason, it doesn't really bother either of us, so I go ahead and start running the water for my shower, and get in, and we start having a conversation about the book.

1) I'm out in the ocean with this girl I've never seen before, we're trying to have oral sex with each other, but it's really difficult because we're trying to stay afloat at the same time.

2) I've separated from the military, and I get a job washing dishes at some hotel. I'm working the night shift, and one night, when I go in to work, I see Nina Ledford walking out. She says she has separated from the military, as well, and she has the same job, but she works the day shift.

1) Something involving a gigantic shoe store and it was extremely bright inside. So bright, that I had to put on my sunglasses. I'm browsing in the shoe store and I find all kinds of shoes I like, but I get frustrated because I can't decide which ones to buy.

1) I'm working at Gap again, and the store at which I work is actually a really old house that's been converted. Madonna has bought all the Gap stores, and she's getting ready to come to my store for a visit and everyone's freaking out. The store looks immaculate. Actually, I'm not even supposed to be there. It's supposed to be just the managers and stuff, but I showed up anyway, just because I want to see Madonna. I'm kinda standing in the back when she arrives, and I start to get really nervous and scared I'm going to faint when she walks by. She walks around the store with the manager, but doesn't come to where I'm standing, and then starts to leave, and I get really dissappointed. Then she stops and turns around and asks about a rack of clothing next to me. I start talking and I'm amazed at how professional and intelligent I sound. I answer all her questions thoroughly, and she seems pleased. So then she leaves, and I go to the kitchen where the cook is trying to fix a doorknob.

2) I'm riding on the bullet train to Tokyo with Paul and Trish, just to make sure they get on their plane to the States okay, and I'm wondering if I should take the train back to Misawa, or fly.

3) We're in the middle of a base exercise, and I'm trying to out-process my squadron at the same time. And anytime we leave the room, we have to give this ridiculously long reporting statement. So I get frustrated and decide to go for a run. I'm running down this big corridor filled with people and I see Shelby running, too. I run for about 3 miles, and then turn around to go back. When I get back, I see a note saying I have to go to the orderly room for some paperwork regarding my out-processing. So I go up there, and they have all these snacks and lemonade and stuff. And the orderly room people are walking around in civilian clothes.

4) I'm on vacation with a bunch of people in some tropical location. We get a room in a hotel and it's really small. I go into the bathroom, and there are crabs and spiders and other bugs all over the place. I go out and talk to Paul about it, and we decide to call the manager. Then Paul sees this other guy in the room across from ours, and decides to go ask him about Jesus instead.

1) I'm some kind of guard in a women's prison, and there is an inmate that looks like Catherine O'Hara who gets to go to some kind of party because she's behaved herself. And I'm the one that has to escort her. She ends up getting really drunk and hitting on this guy, and she gets mad when I tell him she can't go home with him because she has to go back to prison. The rest of the night is spent trying to get her back in my car so I can drive her back to the penitentiary, and she is a very annoying drunk.

2) I'm babysitting this kid and he has a "Sopranos" playset with a bunch of action figures, and I start playing with the action figures. I get a kick out of the playset because it's really morbid and has different ways to kill and torure people.

3) I'm walking down the street in some city, and I'm walking by a hospital when a doctor is getting a patient on a gurney out of an ambulance. He asks for help, so I help him wheel the gurney through the hospital and into the elevator. After we get off the elevator, we drop the patient off in an examination room, and the doctor thanks me and goes somewhere else. I'm walking out of the hospital when I realize I've left my sunglasses somewhere inside, so I go back in and look for them. I'm getting really frustrated because they are my favorite sunglasses and they're Armani and they cost a lot of money. I'm walking all over the hospital and I don't find my sunglasses, but I end up hitting on this really hot nurse.

1) I'm deployed, but we're working in a big city somewhere. We're practicing how to drive convoys in what looks like the garage of my house in Morganfield. Then all these big balloon-like bombs start dropping, but we don't know if they're real bombs, or part of some kind of exercise, so we just kind of ignore them. Then, it's night time, and we're driving the actual convoy, and getting ready to leave the base. I'm riding on a trailer being hauled by a truck driven by Scarlett Johansson. She's trying to turn the truck around, and gets frustrated and hits the gas really hard, leaving behind the trailer with me on it. The truck goes out into a busy interection, and there's a horrible accident smashing the truck in two. Scarlett is instantly killed, and I start feeling guilty because I think I should have been the one driving.

1) I'm on a trip with some friends and after going to Disneyland, we stay overnight at one girl's house. A tiger comes in and at first we're scared, but then I start talking to it. The girl's mom is out of town and she's really paranoid about keeping the house clean. The next morning, we all go to pick up her mom from the airport.

1) I'm in Iraq and my Mom is in the military and deployed with me. We're on a job together and she's flirting with MSgt Thompson like some little school girl, and I'm getting kinda angry with her.

1) I'm involved in some kind of relay race using lots of shoes and t-shirts at the HH. The whole time we're kind of paranoid about some evil tyrant. Afterward, we put flowers all around the house to keep away evil spirits.

1) I'm on my way to Iraq and several of us are staying in a hotel and trying to order pizza because we don't want to walk across the street to the Waffle House. Tim Linder is there.

2) I'm at some resort or something at the top of a mountain with my Mom and we're getting ready to leave when we see a bunch of military people arrive. We hide and they don't see us. We get in the car and speed to the house in Morganfield. We're getting the dog and grabbing a few things because we're really scared the military guys will come after us. The car is in the back yard for some reason, and I'm trying to persuade the dog to get in the car so we can take off.

3) I'm in Vegas staying with Jim, but he's married to Jen Price and this other guy lives there, too. We're all trying to go to sleep one night, but we can't so we decide to go for a swim in their indoor pool. I'm swimming underwater and I see a big grate at the bottom of the pool. I swim down to it and get caught in the suction. I'm trying to wave my hands around, but the water is too deep and nobody can see me, and I start to drown.

1) I'm in Vegas on my way to Iraq and I go into Gap and see all my old friends. We reminisce and I tell them about my last deployment and that I'm on my way there again. Madonna is playing a show in town that night, and we all go, but the performance is really disappointing. At the end, I see Abby, Jeni-Bomb, and Andrew Peterka, and we all hug.

2) I'm at a really cool mall in Hachinohe that looks just like the mall in Morioka. I go into the bathroom and I'm standing at the urinal, there are some guys behind me dealing drugs or something. I leave and go to Starbucks.

1) I'm on vacation in London with my Mom and we're shopping at a K-Mart really late. We're looking at different kinds of lights. All I buy is a stupid little key chain with a wind-up toy dragon on it, but we wait in line for a long time because it's so crowded. We get out of line to go look at something else and get back and the line is even longer, but the lady who was next to us before let's us back in next to her. We get back to the hotel and talk about getting some food, but Mom decides to go to bed. I go outside with the dog and fall asleep on the front lawn. I wake up the next morning and I'm in my room and Tim Klingenberg and Drew Branson are there and they tell me the new Air Force regulations will allow us to grow goatees.

1) I go to Hakkoda to snowboard, but there's hardly any snow at all. Some people are riding their boards down in the dirt and mud.

2) I'm trapped on the top floor of a skyscraper overnight with about 20 other people. For some reason, they're all paranoid a plane is going to fly into the building, so I'm trying to calm them all down, but I'm a little scared, too.

3) I live in this huge house and my brother is coming to visit and my Mom wants to pull some kind of practical joke on him. Bill Murray is somehow involved.

1) My friend Valerie is getting married in Miama or L.A. and invites me to the wedding. It's the same night as a Britney Spears concert and Britney and her crew are staying at the same hotel as me. I'm hanging out at the hotel after the wedding and the concert and I see Courtney Love with some other girl and they're really high. I start hanging out with them and Courtney ODs and suddenly the ambulance and the cops are there and everyone's talking about it but they're all getting the story wrong.

2) I'm married and looking for a house and we find one on a big hill overlooking a city. To celebrate, we go out to eat at a Japanese restaurant and Ichikawa is there.

1) I'm back in Kentucky and my family is eating out at a restaurant. My dad gets up to leave to take my grandmother to a doctor's appointment. I leave because I have this great job at some kind of department/grocery store.

1) I'm eating out with Paul, Trish, Andre Rendon, his wife, and some people I don't know. Afterward, we're shopping and I steal an iPod. On the way out of the parking lot, I'm stopped by Japanese security guards so they can search my car. They find the stolen iPod, but I tell them it's mine and they totally believe me. I get back to the dorm and everyone is there watching "The Simpsons."

1) I'm at a big indoor gym and I'm teaching Emma Weber how to rollerskate. There's also a kid's indoor soccer tournament going on and I see a lady try to leave her son beneath the bleachers and abandon him. I grab the boy and we start running after his mother.